Tales from the Porn Store :: 30
Transsexual Tuesdays

Old Man 1 has been coming in just about every morning lately. I am a pretty bad guesser when it comes to shit like guessing someone's age, but if I had to guess I would say that he was around 75 years old. This guy moves very slowly, he's hard of hearing, he is a little off-center when it comes to logic, and from the way he acts I would assume that he was some rich Center City businessman in his earlier years, and I would also guess that he was probably a real prick. Yesterday he was arguing with me about selling him DVD's. He said that "the other guy" always sells him 4 DVDs from the Blowout section for $10. These DVDs are normally $10 each or 2 for $15. I know that this guy is mistaken or lying, but I politely explain to him what the pricing for that section is and I also tell him that since everything is computerized that all transaction totals are calculated by the computer and I can not change any of the prices. Normally this stops the haggling…but not today. He starts getting loud in a decrepit and comical sort of way, where he is acting like if he was 20 years old again, we might be about to get into a fistfight. For a split second I do actually imagine what it would be like to fight this guy and that makes me laugh. I think about the episode of Robot Chicken where they have a fictitious TV show called The World's Most One-sided Fistfights or something like that. So after he yells for a few minutes and I don't give in at all, he goes into the back of the store and picks out a DVD, mumbles a bunch of shit under his breath and then stands there in front of me while I ring him up. Looking back, I should've just kept pretending like I didn't understand him and then acted like I finally got what he was saying and told him "Of course you can buy 410 DVDs, it will be $3,290".

Old Man 2 comes in everyday during his break at work, I suspect since it's always at 11 o'clock. This guy is probably in his 60s. He has a bright white comb over and is definitely better than you. He will not say anything to me when he is in the store. He'll walk into the store and I will say hello, he will start to look at me and then turn his head back and keep walking. Out of habit, I always say hello and then it always pisses me off. I think about beating this guy's ass too. Yeah, I know he is old but I think about beating pretty much everyone's ass all day long. Really bad manners are just unnecessary. I do get pissed off when I am in a store and the salesman won't leave me alone but I am technically in a different room saying hello through a piece of bullet proof glass. The truth is, for living in Philly, I am the asshole because I do not act like an asshole. So anyway, Old Man 2 picks out a DVD, pays for it and leaves.

Old Man 3 comes in just about every day and he is a bank vice president. I know this because he has forgotten his organizer and shit like that here. So you open it up to see who's it is. If it belongs to an asshole, it goes right into the trash; otherwise it gets set aside until they come in again next time. This dude is alright, actually he's friendly and the way he dresses reminds me of Wilbur from Mr. Ed. Wilbur was an architect that worked at home in his barn with his horse. He would wear a semi-casual short sleeved button up shirt but he would still wear a tie. This dude has that kind of dressed up yet very outdated look. He got his movie and then he rolled out.

Ok, so what's the point of telling you about these three old men ... These three guys were the only white businessmen to come in so far today and these guys normally rent average run-of-the-mill porn but today, Old Man 1 rented Ladies are Gentleman, Old Man 2 rented Transsexual Babysitters 6, & Old man 3 rented Transsexual Heartbreakers 37 - so there can only be one logical explanation: it must be Transsexual Tuesday. Once a month, everyone at the office will switch from their regular flavor of porn to transsexual porn. Much like other office morale boosters, you know, like wearing jeans to work on Friday, or even "wear a funny hat day". I imagine that some really uppity office lady made a flier and tacked it up to the bulletin board right next to the water cooler for everyone to see, in an attempt to boost office morale via pornography of the third gender.

On a serious note, is there a logical explanation??? Maybe all three of these guys watch the Discovery Science Channel and last night there was a documentary on sexual reassignment surgery. That would actually explain how the seed got planted. Then they immediately thought about those DVDs they see everyday at the porn store, and bang, an explanation??? But realistically I think two things about this situation: one, that the truth will never be revealed and a reasonable explanation will never prevail. And two, much like the behavior of the birds in the Alfred Hitchcock movie (one of my all-time favorite movies) it is better to not know why.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 29
Clash of the Super Titans

Most of the really hardcore customers that come in to the store have been regulars since before I even started working here in early 2002. Most of these guys have been asking the same dumb questions, doing the same irritating shit, and just being out-of-hand fanatical since the first day I dealt with any of them. This particular tale is about two of the old school gladiators. The one guy I've written about before and refer to as "Agent Cody Banks" because for a few months he was wearing a giant Agent Cody Banks button on his jacket. The other dude I refer to as "007".

I got to work a little before 5pm today. I ran out to grab some food real quick, but I was back to take over the store at 5 o'clock. I was getting situated when the customer 007 walked in. At this point I cannot help but to react when I see one of the regular, ultra pain in the ass, customers come in. He walks by me, goes into the back, and unconsciously I say a very low and drawn out "FFFUUUCCCKKKK !!!"

After a while I noticed that both 007 and Agent Cody Banks were in the back of the store. I made a few jokes to myself about how crazy they both are. Both of these guys will practically climb on top of another customer to see what DVDs he is holding in his hands like they are only movies in the whole store worth looking at. It drives them insane until they can find out what titles the other customers in the store have. I've seen customers actually say shit to Agent Cody Banks about shadowing them so closely.

I go back to whatever, watching TV and ringing up the others customers that come in. After about an hour and a half has passed, the store empties. I check the monitor to see if anyone is in the back and both of them are still in here and still going strong. I say more derogatory things about them to entertain myself for a minute or two and then I start checking in all of the returns that have come in since I have gotten to work today. After I finish checking in returns, I put them in a stack near the door instead of putting them back out on the sales floor. If I were to walk out with a stack of DVDs while these two piranhas are in the store, I would probably end up losing my job for beating the shit out of them both.

I go back to playing solitaire (since I have no internet access right now) and listening to metal on my iPod. Solitaire is like crack once you get rolling with it, terrible terrible.

Another hour or so passes and it is now almost 8pm. No one has come into the store for over an hour. I have also not heard any noises or the sound of the doorbell in over an hour. The store has been silent asides from the music that I have been playing. So, forgetting about the two guys from earlier, I assume that the store is in fact empty. I grab a stack of returns and begin to go into the back to put the movie on the shelves. I catch a glimpse of the monitors as I walk over towards the door to the back and I see that both of them are still in here looking around and acting creepy. What the Fuck!!! ???

At this point I decide to give up solitaire and just start watching these guys. I joke to myself about how this is like some sort of a samurai showdown. At first it was just two porn addicts looking around and trying to feed the monkey, but ultimately it went far past the point of no return and now it is a full blown challenge. Both of these guys come in every day, and each usually more than once. Both of these guys spend an hour or two looking around during each visit, and have each on occasion broken the 3 hour barrier. But tonight they have both been in, at the same time, for over three hours so far - with no end in sight.

I think that the bottom line with Agent Cody Banks is that he just really really enjoys looking at and watching porn. He comes in as much as his schedule allows him to. He is a bit of a pain in the ass but otherwise pretty harmless. One time, when I first started working here, I was out on the sales floor and he was trying to tell me all about his vast porn collection. During that conversation, I pictured walls in every room of his apartment built entirely out of X-rated VHS tapes. Ever since then I avoid talking to him any more than necessary.

Now the other dude, 007, is just fucking weird, and he gets progressively weirder as time goes on, like he is experiencing some form of legitimate mental deterioration. He always wears the same windbreaker, zipped all the way with the hood up. All of his movements are so conspicuous and shady that it almost seems as if they were choreographed, like he was deliberately trying to be a caricature of a porn store regular. He has on occasion pulled up and parked a little yellow bus across the street which is what I am assuming he does for a living, and he is an aspiring rapper. I have never heard him rap but it would actually make him awesome if all of his raps were about taking his meds, hanging out in the porn store, and driving the short bus. I would buy that album!!!

I spend the next hour dealing with a few customers that pass through, getting ready to close the store and watching these two smut junkies shadow box. It is very comical!!! The one will look at a section for a while and the other one will kind of lurk in the distance watching, like that must be where the gold is. Eventually at about 9:20 Agent Cody Banks comes up with the 3 DVDs that it took him over four hours to choose, he pays for his stuff and leaves. Then, about 10 minutes later, 007 just leaves without getting anything. WOW!!!

Thoughts and opinions ... ??? I would like to point out again that these two come in every day for at least an hour or two, for the last six years, so they are very familiar with the titles in stock. So why spend four hours picking out three DVDs, or better yet, why spend four hours picking out nothing???

Maybe someone randomly comes into the store and hides $100 bills in DVD movie boxes each day and these two are the only ones who know that??? It sure would make a hell of a lot more sense if I found out that was the reason why they're always in here so much.

Another thing that comes to mind is a scene from the movie Knock Around Guys: ok movie, but the scene where Vin Diesel beats the hell out of the local tough guy in the bar is awesome. Right before the fight, he does this long monologue towards the guy he's about to fight. It's about how when he was a kid he decided that 500 is the magic number when it comes to how many street fights you have to be in to become a legitimate tough guy. He goes on for a while about what you learn on your way to 500 and then beats the hell out of the guy. The relevance is... These two titans have most definitely achieved a "500" status that most of our customers will never achieve. I can't think of better way to describe their intensity and commitment; they are truly the champion gladiators of their particular discipline.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 28
Want some M&Ms ???

I had a pretty typical morning today, it started out with me being very tired, very hungry, in a very in a terrible mood, and to top it all off I ended up having to take the fuckin bus to work ... which I don't really have to do anymore so the very idea of it was extra irritating. I have not ridden the bus to work since the store changed its opening hours from 9am to 10am. Holy shit, what a difference the new timeframe makes. Only about a quarter of the bus seats were taken and it was laid back and even pretty quiet.

Normally everyone in the city needs to get downtown by 9am so the bus was always FULL and everyone on the bus was acting FUCKING STUPID. You would have to stand in the aisle and no matter where or how you stood, you were in everyone's way and they would be total assholes about it. When I used to ride the bus to work regularly, I would sometimes get to work an hour early just to miss the 9am bus crowd. It really sucked to get up that much earlier but that shit would piss me off so bad that I would sometimes stay pissed off for the whole rest of the day. The crawlspace beneath the porn store is only so big, so I had to figure out a better way. Eventually I was leaving for work so mad stupid early just to maintain sanity. Fortunately, I don't have to ride the bus very often anymore.

So when I get to the store, I have just enough time to enjoy a true breakfast of champions before I have to open the gates. Today my breakfast consisted of two soft pretzels, two No Doz, and half a bottle of warm water. After I finished my feast, I felt fully refreshed and ready to face the day ... not really, I was still very angry and already hostile over the possibility that there was most likely someone already waiting outside to get into the store, circling like a vulture over a decaying lifeless body filled with hot rotting delicious porn. Now I'm imagining that scene outside the mall in 'Dawn of the Dead' too, haha.

I know it's dumb, but the little things can really piss you off sometimes, especially when you are already pissed off. Sure enough, the old crazy dude who leaves to go to the bathroom a few minutes after he comes in and the albino guy that works for the mayor are already outside waiting. "You fucking douchebags" rolls off my tongue as I shake my head in pseudo-disbelief and walk towards the door. I turn on the lights, open the door, and step outside to push the slide-down metal gates up. Both guys stare at me like its feeding time at the zoo. Somehow I manage to resist the urge to beat them both to death with the metal thing I use to pull the gates down with. I want to at least crack open their skulls to destroy their brains so they stop coming back to life. As I get past them, they both make a break for the door and the albino makes it in first ... we are now open for business.

Last night before I got off work, I decided that a good plan for today would be to watch Oceans 11, 12, & 13 all in a row. This kind of themed marathon helps to make the day go quicker. Last week I watched all 10 of the Friday the 13ths and Freddy versus Jason during 3 shifts. A few minutes into Oceans 11, the one cop who patrols the area stops in. I talked to him for a few minutes and he tells me about the original Oceans 11 then he looks at porn for a bit and rolls out. I would like to see the original but I cannot fucking stand Frank Sinatra, fuck him.

So I go about the daily routine and sell some porn while the Oceans marathon is running. After a while, these two ratmen come in together and walk around the store unusually close to each other looking at straight porn. That scenario always confuses me. I theorize that the one ratman, aka ratman 1 is probably very well off and gay. He likely owns a lavish penthouse suite just below the Earth’s surface. The other ratman, aka ratman 2, is straight but open to improving his station in life. So they come in together, stand very very close to one another and rent straight porn for ratman 2 to watch while he and ratman 1 get it on ... ratman style. Then I have to argue with ratman 2 that if the DVD price tag says $35 he can't have it for $20. He assures me that he wants it but he keeps on saying that he will not pay $35 for it. After saying that each time, he will then stop and stare at me like is waiting for me to be like "Ok ratman, you can have it for $20".

After the ratmen leave, I end up having to fight with this other dude for almost a half an hour over some dumb shit. He returns a rental DVD 3 days late, the disc is broken, and a third of the cover is ripped off and missing. He does not dispute that the condition of the DVD is his fault but he is very pissed off because he is not going to get his cash deposit back ... because he "didn't know". And the argument goes something like "You didn't know that you weren't supposed to destroy the DVD?" and then he would come back with "Nobody told me that". He is kind of right, we say that the cash deposit is to secure the return of the DVD; we do not specify it also covers jackass's ruining it. He does the same thing everyone else does. He just keeps repeating himself and each time he will finish and then look at me and wait for me to be like "Ok, here is your deposit back, we are sorry for any inconveniences that you might have suffered as a result of this DVD breaking into 3 pieces since you took it out of the store. Oh yeah, and the cover falling apart too. To make it up to you, here is your deposit back, along with 10 free rentals and a free t-shirt. Thank you very much, sir".

Eventually that guy leaves and I get back to the marathon. Oceans 12 is my least favorite of the 3 but I don't mind it. The store slows down a bit and then this one regular comes in. This dude is kind of friendly in a really creepy fake way, but he is also kind of out of his mind and definitely carries Rohypnol with him wherever he goes. First off, as a fashion statement he wears two identical watches - one on each arm …and... he points it out to you, in case you missed it. He is one of those guys who always has to be talking and if you even acknowledge him he will corner you and not stop talking until you stab yourself in the ears with a screwdriver and run away screaming. I have even seen this dude in the back of the store having a one or two hour conversation with some random guy in the store. Over the years he has talked about making full size Stargate replica mirror, being in a hovercraft society, paying women for sex… you know the kind of shit that you talk to random strangers about.

The two watch guy comes in looks around and then leaves. He then comes back after a while, talks to everyone in the store, gets some videos, and then eventually proceeds to checkout. While I am ringing him up, he is trying to eat M&Ms out of this huge ass bag without putting down any of the other stuff he is holding. This causes him to drop the bag of M&Ms on the floor. None spill but after he picks them up he tells me that he dropped his M&Ms. "That's nice asshole" I think to myself, although I probably said it out loud too … I catch myself doing that more and more these days. Then he asks me if I want some M&Ms. I very quickly and very firmly say "NO". He then proceeds to try to talk me into eating some of his M&Ms even though I already said no. Maybe he can tell how much he irritates me and was just entertaining himself at my expense. However, that would require him to be a lot smarter than I give him credit for being. I really think it was just some weirdo creepy thing with this guy. I got his stuff together as fast as I could to get him out of here but it was not fast enough to shut him up. After a few minutes I was so annoyed and creeped out, on top of being in a really shitty mood already today, but I did somehow manage to keep my mouth shut and I did not end up fist fighting him. I know that I probably sound like an asshole but I am not eating candy that some porn junkie is insisting that I eat. What the fuck???

Tales from the Porn Store :: 27
Back to the Porn Store

FUCK!!! As much as I'm glad to be back home with my family, and my cats - after being on tour for the last month, driving around throughout half of the country, and having one of the best times of my entire life, playing some amazing shows, meeting great bands and some really decent people… it hits me this morning… that I am also now back inside the Porn Store ... FUCK !!!

After our bad ass "welcome home" show last night, I only ended getting about two and half hours of sleep and I feel so fucking tired that I can barely keep my eyes open right now. When I got to work this morning, I let myself in and then I saw all of the new signs up throughout the store about "Our New Summer Hours". Apparently, we now open at 10am instead of 9am which has been the opening time since before I started working here in 2002…oh well. I was already here so I figured I would try to take it easy a little bit before opening the store. I sat down for a bit behind the counter. My eyes kept closing on me as I sat there and even though I had a little over an hour to kill, I knew that if I tried to take a nap I could end up sleeping for a few hours, so I stood up and went over to lean on the counter for a spell. This plan didn't work very well, my eyes still kept closing on me even while I was standing up; it was definitely time for a strong dosage of caffeine.

By the time I opened the store the caffeine was kicking in. I still felt like hammered shit but at least I wasn't falling asleep anymore. My big plan for my first day back at work was to catch up on some writing ... but instead I decided to watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre again, that movie makes me so happy. So there I am: chillin, eating some breakfast, and watching the greatest movie of all time while simultaneously enjoying an extremely slow morning at the porn store. Not a bad first day back.

The only customers that have been in so far today are a few of the guys who come in two to four times a day and normally, on their preliminary runs, most of these guys don't get anything. It does seem to me to be a little excessive to even visit a porn store once a day, every day, seven days a week; let alone a few times a day ... seven days a week, but I guess without the crazies I would have nothing to write about. I have a few theories as to why they come in so many times in one day.

Keep in mind that these theories are only about why individual people come into the store multiple times each day and not about any of the other bizarre behaviors that I observe on a daily basis.

Theory 01 :: Some of the guys who come in multiple times each day are business men who work nearby. They come in and look around during the day but I guess they can't go walking back into the office with a bunch of porn. So after work, they come back and then they get the porn. Ok, that kind of makes sense but only in a way that now raises even more questions. Like ... why not just come in at the end of the day one time, get some porn, go home, and watch the nine DVDs you picked out that are all due back tomorrow??? Even if the porn store is so close to where you work, why come in every single time you are on break, every single day??? Hell, there's even a bar and a "massage parlor" on the same block as the porn store, why not break it up a little bit??? If you can waste this much money on porn, why not squeeze in a little "wash washy" on your lunch hour and then get some porn at 5. I guess it's safe to say that the concept of just grabbing a cup of coffee or a sandwich is just flat out not an option, and spending your break time trying to meet a real living and breathing human woman is unthinkable. I suppose that with a lot of these guys the porn itself is the fetish, so going and looking at the DVDs a few times a day before they get out of work and then later coming back for them, gives them something to look forward to all day ... like they will fantasize about the porn all day until they can actually come back in for the DVDs, like it's foreplay.

Theory 02 :: A few of the guys who come in multiple times each day are older guys that appear to maybe have some form of mental deterioration going on. Some of these guys will come in like clockwork at certain times throughout the day possibly as a part of some crazy routine that they strictly adhere to. A lot of these guys, even though they come in so often, will vary rarely spend any money or get anything. There is one guy in particular who normally comes in a few minutes after the store opens each morning. He will look around for a few minutes and then he will leave. On the way out as he walks past me, he will tell me that he'll be right back, that he just needs to go to the bathroom. Then, sure enough, he comes back in a few minutes to look around some more, not get anything and then leave again. This guy in particular will usually rent at least one DVD on his third visit around 4 o'clock each day. I think the deal with most of these guys is that they have some sort of monthly income for whatever is wrong with them and they have nothing to do. So they get up and go through the same routine each day and then go home. I am sure that most of these guys don't have a computer and cannot afford a very heavy porn habit so they just look as much as they can. I am not saying that the routine makes sense to me, but if it gets them out of the house and gives them something to do each day then that is a good thing.

Theory 03 :: The guys at the parking garage next door, the guys from the parking lot across the street, the guys who get paid to walk around downtown all day with a broom and a dustpan cleaning up the streets and sidewalk, and even cops on the local beat all come in a bunch of times everyday. I assume that they must get so bored on their work shifts and because we also have heat and air conditioning (depending on the season) …so that one actually makes a lot of sense.

Theory 04 :: The schizophrenic, homeless, transvestite gets a pass. He does not come in every single day. But when he is around, he will come in and get kicked out all day long. Even though I kick him out, which is probably just as much for his own good, I do like this guy. If I were this guy, I would spend my entire day getting kicked out of the porn store as many times as possible, annoying the general public, and just being an across the board all-purpose nuisance. He is actually providing a valuable public service. Can you imagine how fucking lame Philadelphia would be without people like this???

Theory 05 :: My final theory is just that to some people ... Porn is Crack. Don't try to understand it. I have seen dudes come into the store several times throughout the day acting weird and shady, and then they eventually come back in and buy one of the ultra cheapo $4.99 DVDs with a pile of change. Porn is crack. Somewhere there is an 85 year old woman lying at the bottom of a stairwell with an empty purse and a broken neck and then fifteen minutes later some dude comes in trying to talk me into selling him a $4.99 DVD, for $4.57 in change and a bus token.

Fuck ... Back to the Porn Store !!!

Tales from the Porn Store :: 26
Porn Store Messiah

Normally on Saturdays, I open the porn store, but today I managed to dodged an enormous bullet. Today I ended up working the closing shift instead of doing a double like I regularly do. During this past week I had covered for my boss on one of his shifts so in return, this Saturday he ended up opening the store for me.

When I walk into the store at 2 o'clock, my boss had this really beaten down look on his face. He looked at me, shook his head, and in a very serious tone he said "you are not going to believe what happened today". That is a pretty bold statement considering how long we have both worked here, and all of the stupid shit we have both seen.

Apparently a pregnant women was driving in her car when she started going into labor. She pulled her car over across the street from the porn store and came inside for help. I would like to point out that right next door to the porn store is a fancy tea cafe for yuppies, and on the other side, is a nail salon ... and there is even a huge church on the other side of the nail salon. So if you were going into labor and had to pick one of these four places to seek assistance, of course the logical choose would be the porn store.

The lady probably figured that even though the tea cafe and the nail salon were both run by, and frequented by women, some of whom might even have children of their own and experience with childbirth ... the porn store was absolutely the best choice. After all we have thousands of DVD's that primarily focus on the female vagina, and a few that even feature men with vagina's ... so who would know what to do better than us.

So this women comes in to the porn store and makes a big loud dramatic scene. She then immediately needs to lay down. My boss lets her lay down behind the counter, where she would be safe from the regulars who frequent our establishment, and he then proceeds to make phone calls on her behalf.

First her calls her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was apparently very uninterested and inconvenienced by the situation, & he would not come down to meet her. He seemed to think that this was not really her going into labor, but a ploy for attention. Keep in mind this is a back and forth conversation between the women laying on the floor, my boss, and her boyfriend who really must be a total dick.

After getting off the phone with the woman's boyfriend, she then ask my boss to call 911 and get an ambulance for her. The store is located in the center of downtown Philadelphia. There are a couple of hospitals with in a few blocks of the porn store, but it still takes the ambulance 30 minutes to arrive.

While they wait for the ambulance to come, people are still coming in for porn. My boss is comforting the hysterical women in between ringing up the customers, not knowing if the ambulance was going to get here in time, or if there was going to be a baby born in the porn store.

Eventually the ambulance does arrive and they take the women away to the hospital about 20 minutes before I get there. I am so fucking glad that I had the morning off and didn't have to deal with any of this !!!

***

First and foremost, if the baby had been born in the porn store, the woman would have had no choice but to name the child "Jesus". I don't see how this could even be up for debate.

Second, everything that goes on in the store is recorded on our digital video surveillance system. So if this women had really given birth to little baby Jesus inside the Porn Store, the whole thing would be on video. All we would have had to do, would be to download the eight camera video files, and BANG, we would have had our own movie. I would approach Red Light District first for it's release, this seems to be right up their alley.

Now in the past I have made reference to the possibilities of there being pornographic end time prophecies, & this would no doubt be a key event in such a prophecy.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 25
What a Bucket of Douche

I could already feel that it was gearing up to be a REALLY long 14-hour shift ahead of me. I was running a little later than usual so I couldn't stop and get coffee on my way to work like I had planned. I had the time to stop, but I lack the mental ability to withstand the torturous rush of center city retards that Dunkin Doughnuts seems to draw in every morning close to 9 AM.

I cannot handle standing in line for 10 minutes listening to people say stupid shit like ... do you have anything smaller than a small ... can I get a small coffee that's half regular hazelnut, half decaf, with Splenda instead of sugar, and the 2% horse semen instead non-fat milk ... tell the short order cook that I want my bagel lightly toasted ... why are there three people working together as a team in the most efficient way possible to quickly fill all of the orders, instead of having more registers open … It just makes me way too angry to deal with all of that for a plain cup of coffee and an apple fritter, so I decided I would wait and come back in an hour.

So I got to the porn store and began preparing to open up, which I did very slowly since I missed my window of opportunity to get coffee. I had about 5 hours of sleep last night, which is no big deal, but since I didn't sleep at all the night before, am experiencing a little bit of lag. Within five minutes of me opening the store, five customers had already come in, most of which where the regulars who come in multiple times each day … & then in walks "the Onion".

This dude looks like he could be Horatio Sanz Father. He looks like an older, shorter, fatter, & balder version of Horatio Sanz, with a big mustache. He looked around for a while, picked out some stuff, and then came up to the register to pay for his DVD's. I then pulled up his customer account on the computer. There used to be a note on his account that said, I prefer to be called "The Onion", and this note had been on his account for a couple years. It didn't completely make sense, but somehow it fit the guy and always struck me as being funny. Today however, upon accessing his account on the computer, I saw that someone had changed the note from I prefer to be called "The Onion", to What a Bucket of Douche.

The second I read the note I start laughing so hard that I had to walk away from the register pretending to get something in an attempt to somewhat hide the fact that I am definitely laughing about something having to do with him & his account. After a few seconds I think that I have it under control and try to finish ringing him up. I held it together up until I looked at him to give him his change. I burst out laughing again and I could not stop until after he left the store. I am sure that it was just a combination of things at that moment that made it so funny, & I am sure that he figures I was just really stoned or something. I felt bad about obviously laughing at the guy, but once you start cracking up like that it is impossible to stop. It did however brighten up my morning until I had a chance to go get some coffee.

Over the next few hours I kept laughing about it over and over. I thought about how funny it would have been if he spoke up and said something to me like … what a bucket of douche right, That's what you are laughing at isn't it ??? Yeah, that happens to me all the time, everywhere I go. Instead of my name, it says What a Bucket of Douche. It even says that on the bottom of my credit card receipts now. A few weeks ago I got to work and the name on my parking space had been changed to what a bucket of douche. Before that I went to this restaurant that I had a diner reservation with. I walked in with my girl and immediately the guy says to me, What a Bucket of Douche, reservation for two, right this way sir. I think it might be identity theft.

* * *

Thought for the day …
This is a line from the movie, Master Spy :: The Robert Hanssen Story.

"Stupidity is a choice. Deep down people choose to be stupid. It gives them power over other people, ugly negative power." - Robert Hanssen

Tales from the Porn Store :: 24
Oceans of Lotion

Today's tale is about a customer who I like to refer to as "Oceans of Lotion".

I have been working at this job for 5 years now and I have seen this dude on almost every shift that I have ever worked, he is very hard-core. He comes in every day and rents the maximum number of DVD's that his account allows him to rent, which is 9 DVD's.

So from the second this guy walks into the store you are completely overwhelmed by the smell of lotion, & I do not mean a subtle scent of lotion either, it's like gallons of lotion concentrate or lotion extract. Every day when he returns his 9 DVD's, they and the bag in which he returns them all in, reek of lotion. To me the obvious answers just do not explain this situation, it has to be something really weird.

For example, maybe this guy has a serious skin condition. Maybe he needs to put moisturizer on his whole body every 30 minutes or his skin cracks off like tree bark and he will then bleed death. That would definitely explain everything in a somewhat logical manner. This would also require some sort of complicated sleeping arrangement where he would have to sleep with his entire body submerged in a lotion filled pod or vat. Also it is possible that regular water is not powerful enough to keep him hydrated so he might also have to drink the lotion as well.
So this guy might actually be a pretty normal guy whose skin condition prevents him from dating so to compensate for this he then rents 18 hours worth of porn every 24 hours. How's that for a logical explanation ???

Tales from the Porn Store :: 23
New Years Eve

Today is New Years Eve and we are running on special "Holiday Hours" today. So when I got to work there were already people waiting outside for the store to open since we open at 10am today, instead of the regular 9am they are used to.

The thing that makes this funny (besides the fact that these guys have to be here at the porn store as soon as it opens on Sunday morning, after church lets out I am sure) is that every one of them was in yesterday. Everyone of them walked by the sign hanging at eye level on the front door with the holiday hours posted on it, & I personally told each of them that we where open 10 to 6 tomorrow as they left the store yesterday.

So today turns out to be one of those really magical days. Apparently everyone who came in today got a 55 gallon drum of cheap cologne for Christmas, & there must have been some secret contest going on to see who could ask the dumbest questions all day. The one I thought was the funniest was "do you guys have any Christmas sales going on ???" I politely told the guy who asked, that we did not have any Christmas sales going on, but here is the much much funnier version of this conversation that I really should have had with this guy instead ...

Well Christmas was actually a week ago sir, & generally Christmas sales tend to work a lot better before Christmas, since that is kind of the deadline that people are generally shooting for. Oh yes, I am sure, it's pretty hard to miss actually. It's that one day of the year where everything accept for 7-11 is closed.

But yeah, you should have came in last week. We did have a big ole Christmas sale going on all week, yes that's right before Christmas. After all, nothing quite says "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus" like the gift of pornography. Everything in the store was half priced, we giving away free candy cane dildos, egg nog flavored anal lube, & you could either get your picture taken with Santa, or while getting a blowjob from Ruby the transsexual midget, dressed up in an elf costume.

No I am sorry but we no longer carry the inflatable nativity. Happy New Year to you too sir.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 22
My Day Off

Today's tale takes place outside of the porn store, but it still feels relevant ... it's still about scumbags and porn.

I had off work today and I didn't have to do anything until 6 PM when everyone was coming over for Bitchslicer practice. So I started off my day by going back to sleep every time I woke up. After sleeping for about 10 hours I woke up and stayed awake. Now the best thing in the world to do after sleeping in on a day off is to wake up and watch porn.

To fully illustrate this story I need to explain the layout of my room a bit. I sleep on the floor, being the high roller that I am. Facing me is my TV & DVD player. I have a 5 disc DVD player, so there are 2 or 3 porn DVD's in it at all times. To the left of my "bed" there are 2 alarm clocks and the remote controls to the TV & the DVD player. There are no windows in my room, so if the lights are off it is pitch black in there. Also I have 3 cats.

So ... I wake up. I am still half asleep and very much out of it from sleeping way too long. I am laying there in the dark for a few minutes petting the kitties who swarm me the second I wake up and move the slightest bit. I start going over the day in my head ... It's Tuesday, cool ... no work, cool ... hmmm nothing going on until 6, sweet !!! Time to watch some good morning pornography. That's the best feeling ever, to wake up and realize that you do not have to stress at all about anything. So I reach to my left, grab the remote to the TV, & turn the TV on. As the blue screen fades in the whole room takes on a dim blue glow. I then set the TV remote down and feel around for the remote to the DVD player.

I dead on grab the DVD player remote ... and I immediately wake the rest of the way up. I am now fully awake, and wondering what the fuck am I holding that's wet. About this time the TV has come on the whole way and the room is illuminated in blue light. So I roll over to look at my left hand holding a DVD player remote control covered in cat vomit. FUCK !!! My whole left hand is now also covered in cat vomit.

So after a few seconds of cursing in front of the cats I am faced with a serious dilemma, do I get up and go wash the cat vomit off of the DVD remote & my left hand, or beings that I am right handed ...

(cliffhanger ending)

Tales from the Porn Store :: 21
Pornographic Endtime Prophecies

For the sake of explaining today's tale, we will refer to the two main characters as, the A-Team, and Air Wolf. The A-Team had already been into the store once today to pick up some porn. After a few hours had past, he returned to the store to get some more porn. He is looking around for a while when Air Wolf enters the store.

Air Wolf works at a rival porn store, but he also rents porn from our store everyday. Upon entering the store The A-Team walks up to Air Wolf, greats him by his first name, and shakes his hand.

As they both looks around at the porn, they are also talking about the porn. The A-Team started asking questions about the new in stock adult titles where Air Wolf works. After giving him the skinny about the other stores stock, the A-Team then says that he will stop over as soon as he gets out of this store. At that point I just tried to tune it all out. It was really was for a few minutes but then it just got too sad, scary, and confusing.

These guys most likely belong to an underground porn culture that pushes the limits of depravity in a way that few people would ever want to see them pushed. In this secret culture, porn has transcended its uses as merely a "Marital Aid" and has become religion. A religion full of rituals, sacred icons, & endtime prophecies.

Then again maybe it is just as simple as it being a full on addiction, no different than crack heads and junkies. Although pornographic endtime prophecies sounds like a way cooler way for the world to end, than from some nuclear war, global disaster, or becoming food for aliens.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 20
Schizophrenic Freak Out

I got to the porn store today feeling very very sleepy. I only managed to get about an hour and a half of sleep last night. Once I got the store opened, I was just chillin', drinking some coffee, & trying to wake up. Pretty typical morning stuff I suppose. After about half an hour the first customer of the day walks in, this dude who appears to be homeless.

He walked around looking at stuff for a while. Some of these guys come in fairly often, just needing somewhere to go I guess. I could hear him talking while he was looking around. It was making me chuckle a little bit at first since the store was totally empty and he obviously had no cell phone. After a few minutes of watching him on the surveillance I went back to drinking coffee & ignoring him. After about 5 or 10 minutes passed, I noticed that he wasn't really looking at anything anymore. He was walking at a pretty faster pace around the store, like he was taking laps. While he was doing his laps he began talking a lot louder than before. Watching him was fairly entertaining, and since he wasn't really hurting anything I left him alone.

Another couple of minutes passed as I watched this guy walking faster and faster, talking louder and louder, until he finally stopped, screamed out "stop playing around you cock sucker" and then stormed out of the store. It took me a minute to take it all in, I mean ... I wasn't really expecting that to happen. As soon as he started yelling all I could think of was that he was going start tearing up the store, which really would have sucked. Not so much because of the store, but I am not about to go grapple with some schizophrenic with super human strength during his porn store rampage, I would have had to call the cops. "Hello 911, this is the porn store. I got a transient turning into the Incredible Hulk over here. Please send Help !!!"

After that it was all down hill for the next 12-13 hours. I managed to watch all 3 godfather movies at work during my shift.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 19
Return of the Super Freak !!!

OK ... Picture a 100 pound, 5'2", 30 something black man, with a full beard, wearing a long blonde haired wig, makeup, and women's clothes. This guy has not been in for a while but today he made his return. It kind of amazes me that this guy is still around. He will come in, walk right up to you, and ask you about your genitals, or if the other guy in the store is your lover, stupid shit like that.

Normally I can barely stop laughing long enough to tell him to leave the store. I am being a little vague as far as things that this guy has actually said. Let me put it to you this way, he is very unrestrained. I would imagine that most people would end up hospitalizing this guy over this kind of behavior, rather that finding humor it.

One time after kicking him out of the store I said, "take it easy man" as he was about to walk out the door. He stopped and turned around. He gave me a really nasty look, and then in a huffy, pissed off voice he said, "I'm a Lady". I am not sure if he just does this stuff to mess with people, if he has legitimate mental health issues, or both perhaps, but he is harmless. He comes in, creeps you out, and then leaves when you tell him to get out.

I did think of something puzzling as I was writing this. This guy has been in a bunch of times and has never once attempted to look at the porn. I wonder if that is because he just comes in to mess with us, or because even though he does want to look at porn, his urge to mess with us is to overwhelms him an he ends up getting kicked out before he gets a chance to look at porn.

He is one of the downtown crazies that make the city a lot more interesting. Imagine all the tourists that come to Philly with their kids to see the liberty bell and eat cheese steaks. As they walk around downtown seeing the sites, this guy is out there waiting to ask them about their genitals.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 18
Porn Store on Speed Dial

Today started off a little rough. I slept through my alarm clock and woke up late. As I looked at the clock on my way out of the warehouse, I saw that I had just enough time that I might make it to the porn store on time. I walked really fast to the subway and probably picked up a few minutes on my walk. It took a long time for the train to come. They have these digital signs up that tell you what time it is, and how many minutes in between trains. It always says 12 minutes, but that it is always a lie. Well the train finally arrives and I am on my way. Sure enough, about halfway to work the train stops in the tunnel for some unknown reason and we sit there in limbo for approximately 10 minutes.

So I finally get off the train and walk 3 blocks to the porn store. As I am approaching the store there is a guy standing out front on his cell phone. I say hello to him as I begin to unlock the gates to go inside. He then starts telling me about how he was just calling the other store to see why were not open. Immediately I just want crush this guys head with a brick, but I tried to ignore him as I went inside to finish opening up. Here is the kicker. When I get inside the porn store I look at the clock on the wall and it says 9:01 AM. I am one single god damned minute late, and this guy is calling the other store.

This not only pisses me off, and most likely pisses off my counter part who is trying to open up the other store while morons are messing with him, but it could also potentially get me into trouble. I have been late 3 times in almost 5 years and of course this guy picks today to be here waiting at 9 AM sharp. In this guys defense, he did seem extremely dumb. I don't think he was trying to be a dick, he was just very impatient and very stupid.

So I finally get the store open and I sit down to relax for a minute, and then it occurred to me ... this guy has the other stores phone number stored in his cell phone. Why would you need to store the number of a porn store in your cell phone ??? This guy must be in the major leagues when porn addicts I guess.

* * *

Once the morning was over with the day definitely brightened up a bit. I spent all Saturday afternoon watching horror movies. It kind of reminded me of every Saturday when I was a little kid. I would watch cartoons all morning and then horror movies all afternoon.

Most of the people who came in today, came in twice. People would come in look around, get something or not, leave, and then come back later. A lot of old people came in today as well. This one guy in particular who came in, was in his mid 70's. This guy only ever picks up lesbian and tranny DVDs. Not that anything is wrong with that, but it is a strange combination. One thing that I never really noticed before about this guy, is that apparently he always puts his DVD's in his inside jacket pocket. Not something worth taking note of.

The DVD he got today would not fit into his inside pocket. I watched him standing there for a minute or two trying to put it in his pocket and failing. I was confused as to what the hell he was doing, but for some reason I never ask. He then he asked me if the box he got today was bigger than the regular boxes. I told him that it was the same size as all the others. He then went back to trying to force this DVD into his pocket, and it still wouldn't fit.

At this point he now has my total and undivided attention as he is fumbling around inside his coat. The next thing I saw was the DVD shooting out of his coat and across the floor. I am trying to hold back the laughter. I have no idea how the hell he got it to shoot out of his coat, or why it is so important for him to put this DVD in his coat, but the more he is fights it the funnier it becomes.

He did eventually get it into his pocket and then he left the store. I wonder what made it finally fit after 3 or 4 minutes. Did he have to rip his pocket to get to make if fit. Maybe the jacket he was wearing was not the same jacket he normally wears and that is why it did not fit. But then again maybe he already had something in his pocket and just didn't realize it, something springy that would say launch a DVD out of his coat. Who knows ???

Tales from the Porn Store :: 17
Bang Raft

This morning on my way in to work I saw the bearded lady again. As I walked past her, she asked me for a cigarette. I guess she is a new a presence in downtown Philly, seeing as how I have now ran into her three times in three days. A bunch of people live in the alleys near the porn store so, I am suspecting she might be runnin' with that pack. That might also explain the beard. If she were in a regular domestic situation, she would most likely shave.

* * *

So this dude was just in, I call him the Alien Hunter. His real name is almost Alien Hunter, if switch around a few letters. This dude is a little over sixty, and he comes in two or three times a day, everyday that I am here. He will get one DVD and then he will leave. In four or five hours he will be back for another DVD. Then four or five hours later he will come back for a third DVD. On occasion he will only come twice but normally it is three times.

I have always wondered why he doesn't just get three DVD's and then do something else with the rest of his besides walking back and forth from the porn store every couple of hours ??? Asides from having a confusing pattern of habit, this guy is probably one of the coolest customers who come into the store though. He is always polite, and he never has any problems with anything, which is very rare. I do get the feeling he might be sinking into dementia, or Alzheimer's a little bit though.

* * *

So today I was going through movie sections, and I came across some of the Bang Brothers movies. They reminded me of this conversation my roommate Bood, & this dude Mike, and I where having the other day. Most people have heard of Bang Bus, and Boob Squad. Well I was telling them they also have a series called Bang Boat. The title Bang Boat had everyone cracking up. So then we all just kept getting sillier and sillier with alternate ideas for "Bang" titles. Then I came up with "Bang Raft"

Bang Raft would be three guys and one girl on a small, one person, inflatable raft, floating in the ocean. Just picturing that is hilarious. We then had the idea of replacing the inflatable raft with a wooden door to make it even funnier. In reality Bang Raft would probably be filmed on an inflatable raft, in a kiddy pool, surrounded by sand, in front of a wall painted to look like a beach scene.

* * *

Since there was a football game on today, no one came in. I ended up watching a lot of movies today. One in particular was called Devils. I haven't seen this movie in years, but it is truly an amazing movie. It is based on historical events, but it is a fictional story line. It takes place during the Inquisition. Basically every one in power, religious and political, are completely corrupted by their power, and that power is used to control everyone else. I know that is a far stretch for our modern imaginations.

The movie contains a priest, who is the despoiler and an impregnator of young girls, a crippled nun who has sexual fantasies about that same priest ... because he is evil and possesses her. You also see an orgy of nuns claiming to be possessed doing some really cool stuff. There is also a lot of torture, including a scene where a girl is tied to a table and there are little jars, suctioned to her skin with hornets inside repeatedly stinging her.

There is another scene where the pregnant girls father, comes to kill the priest. The priest totally disregards the girls' father as any kind of threat. The father then draws his sword to attack the priest, and the priest picks up a small, dead gator, (not sure what kind ali, croc, caiman ???) and he uses it to casually defend himself against the attackers sword. He taunts the father as they fight, and eventually the fathers' sword breaks, while striking the dead gator. It was a one of those little pussy fencing swords. But this movie is amazing. It is some where in between Caligula, and Mark of the Devil. those little pussy fencing swords. But this movie is amazing. It is some where in between Caligula, and Mark of the Devil.

The bearded lady that I was talking about yesterday came in to the store today. She walked in yelling out the name of other guy who works here, asking for money. I guess she must come in, in the daytime during the week ... I guess he must give her money too ... and them on a first name basis ... hmmm. I will have to ask him about that the next time I see him.

Later this extremely talkative old man came in asking me about James Bond movies. He asked me if I like James Bond, & I told him that I did. He then started comparing James Bond to Jackie Chan. He was actually acting out some action scene from a Jackie Chan movie, to show me how much Jackie Chan was like James Bond. This guy had me rollin'.

After that he was telling me about a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, sex doll that he had. He said that he doesn't use it, but he probably would if he was in college. He also apparently has stacks of Porn DVD's all over his house, this high (holding his hand about four feet off the ground). Then he needed to get going, so he could catch his bus. He told me that he is getting car fixed tomorrow and he assured me that he would be back after his car is fixed to buy out the store, because we are better than blockbuster.

This other dude with a really thick Jamaican accent came in then. He was so exited because we had a bunch of the Blackzilla movies. I mean he was exited like he just won $1,000 or something like that. He said that he had been looking everywhere for them. He grabbed all that we had. The appeal of Blackzilla is kind of a mystery to me. First off, it is all straight porn, and it is all straight guys who are buying it, and selling point of these movies is the size of Blackzillas penis.

So with the end of the day nearing I find myself wondering ... why do "straight" guys buy porn movies just to see a 13" penis, and why is using a sex doll something that you would only do if you where in college ???

Today I took the #07 bus to work. Going north on 22nd street about 20 feet before the corner of 22nd and South, I saw this women who looked to be in her late 20's sitting on the steps in front of a building drinking a 40 out of a brown paper bag. In front of her where a few shopping bags, a baby stroller, and a 3 or 4 year old kid playing on the sidewalk.

So I got off the bus on 22nd and Walnut, and walked to this deli to grab some food before work. When I went up to the counter there was an old lady with a beard yelling at the girl behind the counter. The girl was very cute. She was just laughing at this old lady, and some how this made her even cuter. But this old lady ... had a beard, it was crazy. The hair was dark brown (darker than the hair on her head). It looked kind of thick, like it was trimmed, and it was at least a half an inch long. It didn't look like there was any hair on her face though, it was all on her chin and on her jaw.

So then the night at work was pretty uneventful. I watched the new Omen movie, which sucked. Then around 8PM this crazy, energetic, old man came in. He looked around for a while and then came up to the counter on his way out. He told me that he was just looking around, but he will be back in when he gets his pension check. Then he started laughing and saying things like just because you are 70 doesn't mean that you can't live, and as long as they keep sending him checks he will keep on buying porn.

The old guy kicked ass !!! It appears as though porn just might be the secret to his longevity.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 14
The Big Dawg

Tonight this guy with a dog came in. He left his dog tied up outside. The dog was maybe the size of a full-grown German Sheppard, but was more of a Cujo looking dog. The dog was not as big as Cujo, but it was pretty big. I am not that sharp with dog breeds so I have no idea what kind of dog it was. Now the guy would run outside every time he heard the dog barking, tell the dog to be quiet and then go back in to look at porn.

Right before the guy with the dog came in, this other guy came in. This other guy was a gangsta video type, wannabe. It was 9PM but he was wearing sunglasses. He was too cool to say hello back to me, when I greeted him as he entered the store. He just looked at me, made this noise like an over exaggerated "T" sound, and walked past me to look at porn.

So he (the gangsta guy), came in and looked around for a while. After a bit he finished looking around and went to the door to leave. As he was about to walk out the door, the dog started barking and came towards him into the doorway. This is the first time I actually saw what the dog looked like. The dude got all freaked out and jumped back into the store. Then he quickly went back to looking around so that no one thought that he was afraid of the dog.

First off, the dog would have freaked me out too. But since it was the guy who was acting like a dick towards me, and not me … it was hilarious. It was even funnier then to watch the guy act like he was not trying to leave the store. He was too tough to be scared by the dog I guess ??? I was laughing so hard. The dogs' owner came out when he heard the dog barking at the guy. This would have been the logical time for the guy to get past the dog, when the dogs owner was there to handle him, but that would not have looked very tough. So the guy pretended to look around until the dog and his owner finally left. He then left immediately afterwards.

I doubt that this sounds as funny as it looked, but trust me, it was really funny !!!

* * *

(alternate ending)

First off, the dog would have freaked me out too. But since it was the guy who was acting like a dick towards me, and not me … it was hilarious. It was even funnier then to watch the guy act like he was not trying to leave the store. He was too tough to be scared by the dog I guess ??? I was laughing so hard. The dogs' owner came out when he heard the dog barking at the guy. He went over to the door and let the dog inside the store. The dog was very calm and quiet. He walked in and sat down in front of its owner. What happened next was beyond belief. The man and the dog began to merge into one single, very large being. This creature was similar to a wolf man, but significantly different. The dog man must have stood seven foot tall once the transformation was complete.

He grabbed the gangsta guy with one hand, and lifted him off of the ground. He then punched through his chest cavity, ripped out his still beating heart, and then ate it right in front of me. I was petrified in terror. The dog man then transformed back into two separate beings, one man, and one dog. I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. The man then walked up to the counter, handed me "Grandma's a whore - 06" and said, "I would like to buy this DVD please"

Tales from the Porn Store :: 13
The Special People

Today is the day for retarded questions and special people. The first guy who was in today was trying to ask me about something or maybe he was just trying to tell me something, but I had absolutely no idea what the hell he was talking about at any point. His spoken English seemed clear enough. He was not from another country or something like that. I would have just assumed that he was a crack head, but he was actually dressed pretty nice. Who knows, maybe he was a well dressed crack head ??? Then I was in argument with another customer today, where twice during the argument I had to point out to him that $49.99 was more than $40.00.

But this next one takes the cake. I had a guy asking me if we sold cassette tapes for a tape recorder, I told him that we did not. I then asked if he meant Video Cassettes for a VCR and he said no. Next he asked me, what do we sell here and I told him that we sold DVD's. He then asked me if they could go into a cassette recorder. I paused for a moment wondering if he really just asked me that, and then said no. Looking back I should have said Yes.

Maybe if I had said yes instead, he would have jumped up in the air kicking his heels together. Then he would have looked around, bought some porn DVDs, and went home to play them in his cassette recorder. I picture him having one of those one-speaker tape recorders with the little handle, & I can just imagine this guy trying to put a DVD into it. He would get the disc in just a little bit into the tape area, and then try to hold the door shut while he hits play. He would likely try this a few times before getting frustrated and then giving up.

Here is the kicker ... he would come back in tomorrow when I have off, and try to return the DVD. He would explain that it does not play in his cassette player, but that "the other guy" (everyone always says that the other guy told him ... ), said it would work. Who ever was dealing with this guy would probably assure him that no one who works here would have told him that he could play a DVD in his cassette player. Then they would ask him the logical question, "do you mean a VCR or video cassette player ???" He would by this point be very angry and yell "NO, a cassette recorder. Then I would get the phone call ... uh, do you remember a guy, who was in here yesterday, he was buying DVD's for his cassette player ???

The only logical explanation for this is that somehow this guy must have misunderstood what I was saying, but it is way funnier for me to just think that he is a nut case. He did seem kind of crazy though, so who knows.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 12
What the Hell is that Noise ???

In the back of the store where all of the Porn is at, there are two stereo speakers playing the local crappy rock station all day long. In the front of the store where I am at all day, there is a small TV where I watch movies. Now to start off with I am not a huge fan of cell phones. They do come in handy from time to time, but talking on the phone is just not that important that you need to do it 24/7. So anyway ... of course people are always coming into the store talking on their cell phones.

Now the noise in the store is not loud enough to interfere with there conversations that most people are trying to have on their cell phones. But then there are those assholes that come in, and talk so loud, that you can clearly hear them over both the stereo in the back and the TV. That gets old, real quick !!!

The other day my boss was telling me that he read something somewhere about these devices that scramble cell phone reception. He also said that you could buy special kinds of paint that will block cell phone reception. The cell phone thing annoys him as well. I am sure we will never get any of that anti cell phone stuff for the inside of the store, but you got to vent a little bit and talk some shit occasionally. It helps to keep you sane when dealing with some of these knuckleheads.

So today one of those guys came in and he was screaming on his cell phone in the back. While being annoyed by him, I started thinking of some things to do in retaliation. You see, in the past there have been numerous times when I was ringing up someone who was talking on the their cell phone. They would be telling the person on the other end of the phone, that they were somewhere else, like a bookstore or something. Not to mention the guys who come in and call other porn stores while they look around. So I got to thinking, most regular people are not very open about their porn habits. Most of them probably try to hide the fact that they even go to porn stores, especially the guys who come in here three or four times a day I bet.

So what I was thinking was this. The next time some one is screaming on their phone in the back, I would turn up the stereo really loud and put some crazy, loud, gang bang DVD on. The DVD player is hooked up to the stereo. It would be pretty entertaining to watch their reaction. The person on the other end of the phone would probably just think that they where watching porn while talking to them. It would be impossible to explain it unless you either admit to being in a porn store, or to just say that you are watching porn. "Yeah Grandma, I'm in a Porn store"

It has been a ghost town in here all night tonight. Not much crazy or interesting going on so ... I started reading through some of the "product" catalogues we just got in. I never really looked at them before, but I found some really funny stuff.

First off, Ron Jeremy has his own line of Ron Jeremy products. That's not too hard to believe. Some lubes, pumps, replicas of Ron himself. The kind of things you would expect. But, there is also Ron Jeremy wrapping paper, gift bags, greeting cards, and wind up toys. Then I found these rubber feet. I am really confused by them. I have seen rubber arms before, I know what they are used for, but the feet ... I have no idea ??? Maybe it is used for the same thing as the rubber arms ???

They also sell these key chains called On-the-Go. They are actually a small container of liquid that has a chain and a key ring attached to it. There are a few varieties. Most of them are warming lubes, but there are two that stood out as being especially funny. One is called "Spanish Fly", it is a sexual energy drink and the other one just says "Anal Lube". Now can you imagine having a two or three ounce liquid container attached to your key chain that clearly says "Anal Lube" down the side of the container ??? That would just be priceless to see someone walking around with that on his or her key chain.

Then on page 36 I saw what might be one of the coolest things I have ever seen ... an Alien Love Doll. Yes an Alien Love Doll. This doll is very similar to the regular blow up dolls, but it is Alien. It is actually called the "Area 51 Love Doll". The box says that "the aliens are cumming" across the top of the box. On the front of the box there is a picture of a bald, blue, three breasted, alien women, with a vagina for a mouth, standing in front of an Area 51 Love Doll sign. The box also says, "3 out of this world love holes", and if that wasn't enough, it comes with free "Alien Lube".

Tales from the Porn Store :: 10
Porn Wars

Today seemed like it was going to be a slow enough day. It started off with rain in the morning and hardly any one coming in to the store. After a while the Agent Cody Banks guy came in and looked around for over two hours to pick out the single perfect video. Later on I had another guy get all pissed off at me for politely asking him "could you sign your name on the signature line please". He gave me this mean look and then in a really snotty tone said, "well you didn't specify that". It was pretty dumb but I just started laughing and I couldn't stop until after he left. There is a black line with an X next to it and he signs at the top of the receipt, oh well ???

So through out the day I watched a very unnatural mix of movies. First I watched Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (which is Puppet Mater 09), then Caligula (the X-Rated version), and then Roadhouse 02. Puppet master vs. Demonic Toys was pretty entertaining. P.M. vs. D.T. is a good low budget horror type movie with a sense of humor. I had never seen any of the other movies in these series before. Corey Feldman's acting in it is so bad, that it just becomes hilarious. Caligula is a totally insane movie. The story is insane, the visual aspect of the film is insane, and the content unlike any non x-rated movie I have ever seen. Road House 02, please never watch this movie. The reason I watched it (asides from boredom) is kind of a really long and dumb story ... but seriously, do not ever waste 90 minutes of your life on this movie.

Halfway through the day this guy and his 3 or 4-year-old son walk in as casual as could be. They walk right past the big red stop sign that says ADULTS ONLY !!! So I yell at the guy "Yo, you cannot bring children in here". He argues with me for a few minutes, and then decides to leave his kid out front alone while he goes back in to get porn. I was thinking of asking him if they where on their way to a bar after this. But really, what can you say. It is impossible to reason with the unreasonable. I would like to think that some how there is a logical explanation, but I know that there isn't one.

Beyond that ... it was a pretty easygoing day. The highlight of my day was finding a poster for the movie "Porn Wars" by Private Video. The poster is very Star Wars looking with four naked girls on the cover holding light sabers, and at the bottom it says "Cum Join the Force". For those of you who are interested, Episode 01 is coming out in September, Episode II in October, and Episode III in November.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 09
Maximum Porn Efficiency

There is this one guy who comes in everyday. He is a poster boy for porn addiction. He is normally very polite, but he is also extremely annoying. He has tried to make small talk a few times before by bragging about his porn collection. But seriously I bet this dude lives in a two story townhouse made entirely out of VHS copies of porn movies. This dude is also always bragging about going to a lot of movie screenings. Normally a few weeks before a movie is released to the public they will show it in the major cities for the press and promotional things like that. And somehow he goes to a lot of these. Now after he attends on of these screenings he will wear whatever give away promo he got at the movie which is always funny when he comes in with the stuff on, but the one that takes the cake was his 4 inch "Agent Cody Banks" circle button.

Well this dude does a lot of annoying stuff as I mentioned earlier. He will call up and ask if we got knew stuff in. Then he will ask what we got, how many we got, then he will ask what production company and so on until stop you him. So he was just in looking around for about an hour and while he was in here he was talking on his cell phone. Now I did not hear most of the conversations he was having but I did catch him asking "what new adult DVD's did you get in today".

Multi-tasking for maximum porn efficiency !!! Honestly I am really not sure what to make of this one. On the one hand, looking at porn for an hour in one store, while you call other porn stores might seem a little excessive to some. It does indicate, frequenting multiple porn stores on a daily basis. But on the other hand … it could be a well thought out system. One determined mans disciplined path to x-rated enlightenment.

So after thinking about for a few minutes I had this theory that maybe he not entirely human, maybe he was a Cyborg. Maybe only being half human made it impossible for him to be with human women. Maybe the human side of him still needed some outlet for sexual release, but the robot half of him forced him to operate at a higher efficiency level than most porn enthusiasts. Of course, this still doesn't explain the Agent Cody Banks button

Tales from the Porn Store :: 08
Willy Wonka - Porn Director

It's been a ghost town morning. There has only been one guy to come in so far, Mr. Pink. He was standing outside when I opened up this morning. He looked sad, had no bike, and strangely enough he was not dressed like a baseball player today ??? Right now I am watching that movie "Arnold Schwarzenegger versus Satan". That would have been a better title I think, but it's actually called "End of Days". I had never seen it before. I had absolutely no desire to watch it, but I am that bored.

I had to walk through some marathon in order to get to work this morning. Why do they have to do that shit in middle of center city ??? I am sure that everyone thought I was an asshole for crossing through the runners, but fuck them and the vegan, diabetic, penguins with breast cancer that they are getting up at 7AM on a Sunday morning to shutdown center city and run on the behalf of. So I got to go sit down and relax at work instead of standing on some street corner a block away for an hour watching people running by. I watched "Land of the Dead" twice yesterday so as I got closer to the marathon I started thinking of the runners all as being "Stenches". I guess the marathons would be way more interesting if it was all zombies, the real kind, not the metaphorical kind. But it would probably not have been cooler to cross paths with a zombie army on the way to work. Marathon of the Dead

Today is Hank Williams 83rd birthday. He was born September 17th 1923.

So anyways … today I had this funny idea. What if the crazy guys who come in multiple times a day, or the guys who stay in the store for hours and hours, actually knew something that the rest of did not know. What if there was a Willy Wonka, golden porn ticket, type of thing hidden inside one of the DVD boxes ???

So this changes everything. Now these guys appear to be very clever. They walk around the city and spend hour upon hour in various "News Stands" in search of the golden ticket, so that they can win the chance to go to a magical land, where porn is made by a film crew of mystical little people, on hotel room sets, by the chocolate waterfall. It's not that hard of a stretch to picture Willie Wonka as a porn director is it ??? I am fairly certain that most of the real life explanations for some of crazy shit these guys do is pretty lame, but it's entertaining to pretend it is interesting.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 07
Mr. Pink's Bike Gets Stolen

There is this one guy who comes in almost everyday, and he usually comes in multiple times each day. I call this guy Mr. Pink (Reservoir Dogs reference). He is a total nut. He is always dressed like he plays for the Philadelphia Phillies. He will come in wearing a Phillies hat, Phillies shirt, matching stirrup pants, the whole deal. My boss calls this dude Stuttering Stanley because he gets so flustered when he gets all pissed off. For example, when you tell him that he has to pay for the DVD he just returned that was broken in half and the case has bicycle tire prints on it (which really happened), he turns red and starts yelling in this crazy stuttering furry.

So any ways … he used to try to bring his bike into the store because he didn't have a bike lock and then he would get all pissed when you told him that there is no room in store for his bike. This was maybe two years ago and he still does not have a bike lock. So he stopped trying to bring his bike inside and started parking it out in front of the store. You can always tell when he is about to walk in the store because he will smash the end of the handle bars into the front window while parking his bike, BOOM !!! He will park his bike and then come in and look around, but the whole time he is in the store he will run back and forth between looking at porn and checking on his bike, which I always assumed was not locked up. So today while he was in looking around someone stole his bike. Leaving an unchained bike outside in center city is just asking for it to get stolen if you ask me. He was mumbling about it while I rang him up. I kind of felt bad for him for a second, but he has money for porn. It's not like he couldn't afford a pad lock and a piece of chain.

Another funny story about this same guy … maybe a year or two ago he walks in the door screaming out towards the street "You Fuckin' Bitch". Then he looked around for a few seconds and leaves. So about five minutes later, a crying women and a police officer walk in asking about the guy. I still have no idea what happened but it was pretty funny. I gave them all of his info, his name, phone number, and his address … probably his mom's house.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 06
The Calm before the Storm

Normally we get shipments in 2-3 times a week, and on no set days. Now all of the customers believe that we get all of our shipments in on Fridays, so Fridays have the potential to be a huge pain in the ass. Now lately shipments have been erratic and fewer than normal due to us receiving boxes that have been tampered with and missing DVDs. So we have been returning some of the shipments unopened if the box looks like it's been messed with. But today we got in a rather large shipment and told every one that it would be out on the floor by 8 o'clock.

So anyways, the real hardcore porn addicts come in each week and act like our newest shipment is the antidote to their 24 hour sudden death virus. All day Friday they call and ask "did you get your shipment in yet, oh ok well when do you think UPS will deliver it ??? They will come in the store and say shit like "I saw the UPS guy outside, did you get any shipments today ???" Some of them will come in every hour, just to check.

Now when they realize that we have as shipment in, that is not yet out on the sales floor they go fucking ape shit !!! Some of them will stay in the store for hours just waiting. If you go out onto the floor, you get swarmed by people trying to pull shit out of your hands as you set it on the shelf. It's pretty out of hand. Some of them will ask to see the invoices as you are unpacking the boxes. I mean it is full blown addiction. One day I was work looking through the Sex Offender Database to see if I recognized any of our customers (I didn't). There where a few I though for sure would be on there.

So I got the Les Claypool – of Whales and Woe album on pretty loud, and I am just waiting for the battle to begin. The Calm before the Storm

Tales from the Porn Store :: 05
Just another rainy night at the Porn Store

Man, after the crazy week I just had, I am actually kind of happy to be back at work. Thursdays are always so slow, so I get to relax a little a bit. Well the dude who likes to look around for 3 to 4 hours just came in so it looks like he will be burrowing through the store all night. The dude from the Philadelphia water department who is always drunk was just in. That dude is funny because he always has his radio on (which indicates that he is on duty) and he is always in here renting porn while intoxicated. Some times he even throws up outside in front of the store. But that is wonderful, he always makes it outside !!!

I just noticed that it was raining outside. Rain means one of two things, either the store will turn into a ghost town, or the weirdest people imaginable, who never venture to the earths surface unless it is a very special occasion, come in. So far it could go either way. There are a lot of normal people who come in, pick something out, and then leave, but not most. A lot of the rainy day people kind of remind me of the garbage pail kids as adults. There are these two guys who come in together when it rains. They appear to be grandfather and grandson, maybe father and son with a large age gap. Now these guys are really nice, and they never cause any kind of problems, but they so much remind me of the two guys in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Not Leatherface, or the grandfather, but the one sort of normal older guy with mouse teeth and the really weird younger guy. So when they come in they talk to each other while they look around. I can't hear what they are saying so I pretend that they are talking about making barbeque and chili. It always makes me laugh. I figure at some point I will be driving through an out of the way area in New Jersey, stop at a gas station and these guys will be running it. I would totally try the barbeque though, before they got me too.

Well as of right now the 3 to 4 hour dude has been in here for 3 hours and 17 minutes and is still currently looking for porn, and I just sold porn to this dude who looks like Delroy Lindo. Just another rainy night at the Porn Store

Tales from the Porn Store :: 04
Baby Cart in the Land of Porn

It is really dead in here today. Some football game is on so business is slow. Now it's not quite what you think, it's not that people are choosing football over porn. They will come in the night before and rent extra porn, enough to get them through 2 days. This way they can stay in all day, and watch football and porn.

Earlier I was on the phone talking with Rich, formerly the bass player in Bitchslicer. He was talking about what's been new with his band and all, and then I was telling him about this funny website called Butterfly Kisses. It's like the female version of NAMBLA. I only looked at it for a minute or two last night, but there was some crazy stuff on it. They have a section called Witch Hunt. It's all accounts of innocent women being persecuted for their beliefs. The one I read was something like a school teacher who married one of her female students in an alleged "pagan ceremony". I mean … you know they are trying to present it in a bias, positive light. So what appears to be people arresting pedophiles, is actually just a Witch Hunt ???

So we where making some jokes about Butterfly Kisses and then I told rich the about this douche bag came in a while back, with a baby in a stroller. I stopped him and told him he couldn't come in with the baby. He got some major attitude with me and started arguing that the kid was too young to know what was what. To be perfectly honest I was pretty speechless. I mean what really needs to be said about this situation ??? So after we argue for a bit, he's all pissed off but he does leave. It's pretty funny how I am the bad guy in this situation. So after I get off the phone with Rich I was thinking about that dude coming in with his baby. Then I started thinking about how differently things would have gone down if it was Ogami Itto who tried to bring his baby cart in to get some Porn. (for those of you who are not familiar with Lone Wolf and Cub, it's a tale of a samurai and his infant son seeking vengeance for the dishonor of their family, and the murder of their wife & mother) Just picturing Lone Wolf and Cub coming in, had me laughing out loud. If a samurai tried to wheel his war machine / baby cart and his infant toddler son, in to get some porn … I wouldn't say shit to that guy. It would be, Baby Cart in the Land of Porn

Tales from the Porn Store :: 03
Fantasies about Watching Porn

Man what a slow day !!! I got here at 8 AM and I will be here until 10:15 PM. The highlight of my day so far has been watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre again. I watch that movie a few times every month and it is always AMAZING !!! Besides watching TCM, I downloaded a whole shit load of underground black metal today, that is until the new age remedy tea place next door closed. (They shut off the wireless internet connection I use to go online while at work)

So now I am really bored and this one dude just walked in. This dude is pretty nuts … or something. He comes in almost every day. On most days he will look around for 3 to 3 ½ hours, but he has broken the 4 hour mark a few times. Now we have maybe 15,000 DVD's in stock, which is a lot of DVD's. But I just don't see how you can spend 20-25 hours a week looking at the same DVD boxes before you pick out the 3 you are going take home for the night. I mean this dude spends more time in the store than some of the people who work here.

So far my attempts at trying to look at this brain teaser in a logical manner, have come up with no reasonable explanation for this guys behavior. I then decided that I would try to look at it in a very illogical manner, & here is what I came up with. It's foreplay, yes foreplay. Spending a few hours looking at porn boxes before you go home and actually watch the porn, is kind of like diner and a movie with your girlfriend. Then at the end of the night ... well you know what happens. Keep in mind this dude is pretty normal looking, and he appears to be of sound mind for the most part. So it doesn't seem to add up but hey, people are weird. I have wondered if it is possible to become so far removed from human sexuality that you would actually have fantasies about watching porn ??

Tales from the Porn Store :: 02
Watching Porn with the Police

Well tonight has been pretty quiet. I am just chillin' right now drinking soda and listening to Mythic. Not much out of the ordinary happened tonight, but a uniformed police officer was in for a bit looking around. Nothing wrong with that ... but it did remind me of a funny story.

A while back, when the One Night in China DVD came out (the porn featuring the wrestlers Chyna and X-Pac) ... The police man who would patrol the area of center city near the porn store stopped in like he always did and he noticed the promo signs for the DVD. So he asked how the night was going, and then he started asking me about this DVD. He was wondering if she was really a girl. I told him I had not seen the DVD but she looked relatively female to me. So then he rolls out. A week later maybe, he comes in and he is with another officer that I think he might have been training, and he asked if they could come back behind the counter and watch some of this video. He said that a few of them had bets as to whether or not she was female. So I started laughing and told them sure they can watch the DVD.

So I am at work, watching the Chyna porn with 2 Policemen, it was pretty surreal, but what made it funnier was them talking about it. Ok Chyna does have a very over developed clitoris, which along with a lot of masculine traits does indicate the possibilities of there being the presence of both male and female "parts" on the inside, but, she is completely female on the outside. Now that being said, I am guessing that these cops had never seen a clitoris that large before so I think the video convinced them that she actually had a very under developed penis. So them talking about her being a guy and having bets about with cops just had me rollin'. Watching Porn with the Police.

Tales from the Porn Store :: 01
Porn is the secret to Longevity

I am bored at the porn store, I have Havohej Blasting on the stereo through out the store, it's nearing closing time ... and this old man walks in. So I can only imagine how much he must love black metal, and then he starts applying corpse paint casually while he walks around the store with his broad sword. I couldn't believe it. But seriously now ... I was wondering if there are 70 year old black metal fans ??? I guess anything is possible since I found out there is christian black metal ??? It's like some one changed the laws of physics to make room for that one.

On the subject of old poeple ... This 95 year old guy came in the other day and rented some porn. I guess there is no age cap on the appreciation of pornography. I was pretty amazed. At first i thought that he looked pretty rough for 60's or 70's but then his account came up and it said he was 95 ... you don't see that every day. I was thinking though, what if porn is the secret to longevity ???

... wouldn't it be cool if it was ???